Posted on by pedringt

Chapter 3 – Janet

Janet hated airplanes. The thought of leaving the ball of dirt God had so meticulously crafted for humans felt unnatural.

We should just stay down here! 

She repeated this over and over inside her head every time she had to board a plane with her politician husband. The husband who had chosen a career that required them to go places. To travel. To take to the sky like premature angels. It just isn’t right.

She took her seat and dug through her bottomless purse. A top layer of onion rings for John (still crispy!), a toy gun for David (in case he got scared), and finally, the new Nicholas Sparks novel for herself. She needed a distraction. She needed escape. 

She had just started reading when David announced to everyone in first class that he had to “make a deposit at Fifth Turd bank” before takeoff. He was always worried the change in air pressure while ascending would empty his bowels. The declaration startled her, and immediately took her mind back to an incident that occurred at their home earlier that day.

~~~~~~~~~~

Janet unrolled nearly half the toilet paper, folding and weaving it into a sturdy, round design that would cover the surface of the still waters below. This would ensure a soft and silent landing for her droppings. It’s not a sin for women to poop, of course. It’s only sin if others know a woman is pooping. She didn’t want to take too long. Her family would start to suspect something. Why did I choose the only bathroom with a shower? They’ll need in here soon. Stupid, stupid, stupid. She sat down facing the rear of the toilet, wrapped her arms around the back for support, and laid her right cheek against the cool, smooth surface of its tank.

Three minutes and eleven seconds passed. It was time to leave. “Darn it!” she cursed, realizing she hadn’t left herself enough time to wash her hands. She said a prayer before flushing, sprayed air freshener, and opened the door.

John was waiting.

“What were you doing?” he asked, somewhat suspiciously.

He knew.

“Just freshening up!” she lied. She struggled to determine the greater offense; lying or pooping.

John squinted his watery eyes and stared at her as he slowly entered the bathroom, smacking his head on the doorframe in the process. “Don’t tell your father,” she pleaded, “I’ll buy you something later today!”

He moved to face her, hand rubbing his forehead. He sighed, clearly annoyed. “You know I don’t like things!”

No. Oh no. Please.

John relaxed his stance. “How about I ask you for a favor, mother? Sometime later in the trip? Hm?” A single tear streamed down Janet’s face. “Oh, absolutely! Anything for my good boy!”

John put his hands on his hips as he surveyed the room. “Wow! This bathroom smells GOOD!” he exclaimed. “Glad I get to be the first one to poop in it today!” He winked at his mother, dropped his pants, and shuffled to the toilet.

~~~~~~~~~~

Janet returned to her book. David trudged slowly down the aisle, aggressively grabbing and pulling on every seat back along the way. Her eyes followed his path to the front of the plane. A pretty, young flight attendant smiled at David before he entered the stall. Janet sank her blood red nails into her jean skirt.

Just as her nails began to tear into the denim, Janet felt a gentle tap on her shoulder. It was John. “I need to do a poop, too. David said to go before we leave. He said our butts will automatically empty if we get too close to heaven.”

She gritted her teeth. Not wanting John to start questioning the Lord, she decided to play along. “Alright,” she conceded, “I’ll come with you to coach”.

Coach. The family had been fortunate enough to avoid the Kennel of Poors up until this very moment. She took a deep breath.

John wrapped the curtain that separated the two cabins around his face and neck and shouted “Look! I’m King of the Jews!” She quickly pulled the fabric from his body and pointed a finger to his face. “No, John! That. Is. A. Muslim.” Every word was punctuated with a shake of her bony digit. “Do you want to frighten your baby brother?”

John used the curtain to dry his eyes. He inched closer and closer to his mother, until her still pointed finger rested on his cheek. “Maybe,” he whispered. He slowly turned and began his clumsy march towards the rear of the plane.

Janet and John had made it about halfway to the back when she heard a commotion in first class. Her thoughts began to race. David. No. Surely he didn’t…

Her fears were confirmed as she rushed back to first class. At David’s feet was her overturned and emptied purse. She couldn’t see the toy gun she knew he had retrieved from her bag. 

A nearby woman gasped. David appeared to have a massive erection, but Janet knew the truth. He looked at the woman and winked. “I know. Can’t believe they let me bring it on the plane.” She gagged.

The flight attendant from before arrived and politely asked David to return to his seat. “No ma’am,” he responded, “not when I’ve got to protect all of you from the Moose-lim”.  He pulled the toy gun from his pants.

Janet closed her eyes. She imagined herself at a thousand different places. A calm beach. Brunch with Joyce Meyer. An isolated bathroom.

Everyone started to scream.